the state of things

I finally moved to a city where the plan - for lack of a better word - is to stay for a while, at least longer than a few months. Yet I still feel so temporary about everything. It’s a perspective I’ve evolved over the course of nearly 10 years of being on the move, of living in impermanent places that are only for school, or only for an internship, and then, and then, and then... there will be some place else! It's like a cloak I throw on each time a new opportunity presents itself, to remind myself: ‘don’t get comfortable… this is only for a spell.’ I wonder now when the time will come when I feel stable enough to toss off the cloak. Will it happen after a certain time period here? Once I know the ins and outs of the city? When my salary increases and I start paying off the debt, saving money, becoming responsible?

I know it’s only been two months. I look back at Quebec, and at the 2-month mark, I was already dreading my departure, but was so happy with where I was. At that same point in Atlanta, I was indifferent to staying or going… I was happy for the time being, but knew from the beginning there that it was just a stepping stone. I knew the next thing would be coming soon, so any sadness I had about leaving a place I was just getting to know was overshadowed with the excitement of starting again, this time with a REAL job.

And here, it’s so weird to try and think about the long term, since there hasn’t been one before. But in reality, this could be my long term. I mean, why not? It’s beautiful here… the landscape, the weather, the city. I have a great job, a secure one, with lots of potential, a great boss, a career that is taking off. I’m making friends who I really like. I have a home that I love returning to after a day’s work or a weekend trip.

And yet…

I still just don’t know. It all seems so up in the air. I don’t know if I’m not letting myself feel settled, or my intuition is telling me for some other reason not to get too comfortable. Or maybe, of course, it’s possible that I’ve just really started here, and inevitably it takes time to build… well, a life. Which is, I guess…what I’m supposed to be doing? Although I question what all exactly that entails.

In the meantime, I'll see how it all plays out. My Seattle existence. The northwest winter. Being far from any other place I've called home. Being a doctor for the first time. And, like with everything else, I'll trust the seat of my pants, and do like Dad says: one thing at a time.